I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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