I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
