who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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