it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
be right there i have to get my cape
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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