so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
a search helicopter?!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
40s are totally the cure
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
