i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
