I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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