whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
