I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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