Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
