anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
