I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
