There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
