GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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