how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
