The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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