Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
