look no pants
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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