i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
