So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she told me i tasted like america
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
