I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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