1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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