Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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