dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
