Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
