Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I need water and some morals
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
