Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
