I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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