you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
