sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
