If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
