I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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