I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
