White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
