So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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