dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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