Who wears a wallet chain?!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's blow job season.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
