did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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