Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
