it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
