I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
