even my farts smell like vagina
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
