The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
