can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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