One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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