I wish I only lived at night.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
