I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
