I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Randomize
