and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
