I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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