I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm always down for nudity.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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