I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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