He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
how does that bad decision feel?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
