I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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